wherever you are - be all there.

never, never, never give up

2012-02-06T12:31:00.003-05:00

I remain confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the LORD

in the land of the living.

Wait for the LORD;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the LORD.

Psalm 27:13-14

Sweet Jesus, this verse gets me right here. I can't even stand it. Can this possibly be true? It is so agonizing having to wait. Be strong and take heart. What agonizingly beautiful words. I remain confident of this. How many things am I really confident about? I think I can count on one hand - make that, one finger - the number of things I'm truly confident about. I will see the goodness of the LORD - goodness, sweet goodness that is beyond my crudely man-made imitation. And better yet, it will happen in the land of the living - not 390 years from my lifetime, but while I walk the face of the planet.

Thank you, sweet Lord. I am confident of this. I will see your goodness in the land of the living. Be strong and take heart. I will wait. Be strong and take heart.

perpetuating high school

2012-01-22T22:00:00.004-05:00

"I feel like I’m part of a generation of people who are stuck in the past and are really self-absorbed. I mean, we’re actually taking pictures of ourselves and posting them on Facebook, and keeping in touch with people that should have been out of our lives 15 years ago. Obsessing over who’s getting married, who’s having kids, who’s more successful. It’s like we’re recreating high school every single day using social media. And it’s weird."

-Diablo Cody, screenwriter of "Young Adult" and "Juno"

Interesting. . .and I think I fit into this category all too well. Is it too late to change? Here's the rest of the article.

a good father (thanks, Dad)

2012-01-17T17:55:00.005-05:00

I had a conversation the other day about the importance of a good father. I've often heard the analogy between our "Earthly" father with our Heavenly Father. Without those childhood memories and upbringing of a good father, how in the world are we supposed to view God?

It really sunk in deeply these past couple days. What does it mean to have a good father?

This is what I learned from having a good father:

- unwavering confidence: it doesn't matter if I have a question about finances, car maintenance, weather or health - I can rest assured that my Dad will have a confident answer. If my Dad says "it will be okay" then yes, it will be okay. What a gift to still think this as a twenty-mumble-mumble year old.

- provider: I never lived a day of my life in need of something that wasn't given to me (food? check. clothing? check. shelter? check.) I think only 12% (not a scientifically proven number) of the world's population can honestly state this.

- unconditional validation/approval: never underestimate the power of "I am proud of you" or "I believe you can do this". I know that I'm not the best, brightest or most highest achieving individual that ever walked the planet (or am I?) But I do know that regardless, I will always have someone rooting for my continued success. I don't have to prove myself. No jumping through hoops and no strings attached.

- listener: it doesn't matter how big or small, my Dad listens. I'm a silly person, too. Yet, I've never felt insignificant.

- admonisher: ok, this actually hasn't been applicable since like, high school (the years I was a brat). And since I'm perfect now. . . I can't even finish that sentence. A good father lays down the law and yessir, I needed that.

- loving: I know that my Dad loves me. (see above for reasons why)

I'll leave with this story. I was about 5 or 6. Our family was on a vacation that required an incredible amount of walking. And since I was 5 or 6 and it was really hot, I got tired (naturally). My Dad carried me. And somewhere along the line, I fell asleep. I think I slept for an hour or maybe 2 (it may have been 30 minutes, who knows). All I know is that when I woke up, my Dad was still carrying me. Did he get tired of carrying me? I have no idea. I never heard complaints that he was holding a 40 pound body heater/sack of potatoes. And I felt safe. . . a little guilty, but mostly safe and secure. Strength begets confidence.

Because that's what a good father does.

is this real life?

2012-01-11T16:21:00.003-05:00

There are a couple swears (oops) but this video is great.

Can myself and my entire generation receive this message loud and clear, puh-lease?! Social media and technology are not real life. Get unplugged and LIVE.

whilst sitting in a bar

2011-12-11T11:40:00.002-05:00

How would you describe yourself in 3 words or less?

I've never been able to accomplish this task very well. Any given day, any moment I could answer differently.

I can say with 100% honesty that I don't consider myself a very courageous person. When that moment comes to say something or speak up, I can almost feel the hook appear to whisk me backstage. I keep my lips sealed and listen to others talk.

I had a moment the other day. A moment where I knew I could be courageous or listen intently. This particular time, I chose the former.

I chose to talk openly about my faith with a virtual stranger. He asked and I answered. My heart was pounding, my palms were sweaty, and I felt like I was about to step off a platform from a great distance. I get tongue-tied and awkward. I want to apologize for the depth and sometimes incomprehensibility of the Christian faith.

But there I was. Sitting in a bar, talking to someone about Jesus.

Have you ever had a moment where you felt like Jesus was nudging at your heart? I felt that so deeply. All I knew was that this person needed to know how unconditionally loved he was/is by Jesus. And the fact of the situation is - I need to know that too. I guess that's what made this experience so cool. I've been learning and being taught about the big, unmeasurable vastness of Jesus' love for me.

The conversation ended and I felt unsure. Had I said too much? Too little?

But there it was - a moment that I hope I remember. As a friend told me as I recounted the experience, that time was just as much for me as it was for him. I was preaching myself the Gospel and the truth. It's one tiny little baby step to the spirit of boldness that I know that I have. And a seriously huge testament to what the Holy Spirit can do that is completely outside of myself.

100 years

2011-11-13T18:49:00.004-05:00

He didn’t believe in drinking water. It makes you weak, he said. Or a lifetime of having limited access to it made him think that it was completely unnecessary. An urban legend for survival. Coffee was just fine. He was approaching one hundred years so maybe he was right.

His days were filled with new projects and ideas. Plans for traveling, improvements, and adventures piled over years of memories, both good and bad. His daughter called one afternoon “just to check in”. He would account for the last week, since the last time they talked. Nothing had changed much. It was a little more uncomfortable sleeping at night, but his life really hadn’t changed since he could remember.

He hadn’t changed, but everything else did. New technology and cars, something new and shiny produced everytime he turned on the television, which was rare. He preferred being outside. Grilling on his hibachi grill or fiddling with a new project.

Driving down to the beach one evening, he watched a family playing in the sand. The kids screamed and yelled as they ran away from the rising tide. He sketched them in his ever-ready pad. Sketching was something else that always stayed the same. Each line meticulous without looking perfect. The figures looked kinesthetic on the page, almost on the verge of running off its surface. He sighed and rubbed his knee that was starting to ache again.

He didn’t know why they worried so much about him, but here they were. A mixed source of annoyance and pride. His children were getting older. It was always surprising to rediscover this fact. Their graying hair and increasing facial lines. How did children grow so fast? Here they were, reminding him to take care of himself. I’m fine, he said. He was always fine. A life of independence, a harsh childhood, and learning to just move on does that to a person. The best way to learn to swim is to be thrown into the deep end.

It was dark outside and the temperature was cooling. It was almost one in the morning. He looked at the crumbs and spills on the counter and dirty dishes in the sink. Maybe tomorrow, he thought. After writing a couple of checks to a local charity and for a great-granddaughter’s upcoming birthday, it was time to sleep. His eyes glanced to the faded picture on the wall. It was of a young man, resting his arm on the hood of a car.

The young man’s head had a cocky lean and only the faintest hint of a smile. His fedora hat pushed down close to his eyes. He looked in a mirror and studied its reflection. Where did the time go?

He pushed back the bedcovers and settled his head down on the pillow. His eyes stared at the ceiling and then at the dark outline of the picture on the wall. He fell asleep, still thinking about his projects, ideas, and plans for adventure.

2 mugs

2011-11-08T07:56:00.003-05:00

I have 2 mugs. They're nothing too special-looking. They have a velour-flower looking pattern. They're light blue and average-sized.

During morning coffee time, I try to find one of these mugs to use. Not because they're the perfect size, color or shape, but because of what they mean to me.

In my first home after college and owning an appalling lack of kitchen apparel (and pretty much everything else that's practical), we scoured stores upon stores. My mom came into town and saved the day with her industry and generosity.

We found the 2 matching mugs on sale and brought them to my new home. We sat on the floor of my new, empty room and sipped our coffee from the new matching mugs.

They remind me of starting something new that seemed scary and exciting. They remind me that I'm loved and that sometimes, even the smallest things can have the most meaning.

life is

2011-11-07T08:33:00.003-05:00

It'd be almost impossible to sum up my life in a minimum of 3,293 characters (completely random number) right now. I feel like I'm full out sprinting in an extreme marathon. I'm working in a place that feels like the best kind of fit since I've graduated from college. I can hardly wait to graduate so I can do this all the time.

God has been so merciful to me. In all my flaws and imperfections. I know He looks at me with love when I'm acting like a petulant, difficult, impossibly narrow-minded child. It'll be seeping into me like osmosis for the rest of my life - be still, be content, and be at peace.

When I start to think, I can't wait until _______ happens or Things will be so much better after ____________ I've tried to stop myself. How about what's happening right now? Am I enjoying right now - or at least, trying to? I feel myself start to creep back onto the treadmill of future-oriented thinking that feels endless and exhausting.

I don't want that anymore. I want to take as many deep breaths as I can, stretch, and then embrace my day for whatever it brings - tediousness, challenges, joys, disappointments.

It's a rallying cry for my own life and maybe if I keep telling myself it and even writing it down, I'll believe it with every fiber of my being.

God has been so merciful. I hope you know what I mean.

sound byte

2011-10-21T17:28:00.002-04:00

3rd grader: Do you have a husband?

me: no, I don't.

3rd grader: you look like you have a husband.

thank you?

in the absence of substance

2011-09-30T15:10:00.002-04:00

Right now, I like:

- the show "Cake Boss" - incredibly entertaining (as in trap me for like, 2 hours) and those cakes - works of art! that taste good!

- Jason Derulo - so much love for his tune-age

I don't like:

- Bugles (an incident with too many of them, to be specific)

- wasting gas (cha-ching!)

Side note: how do you deal with stress? I thought I'd figured out the best ways to deal with stress (and namely, to avoid it) but I'm realizing, sometimes stress is totally unavoidable.

yes please

2011-09-17T15:06:00.000-04:00

“Having a relationship with Jesus creates life in your daily life.”

- John Mark McMillan

coming back to life

2011-09-08T08:50:00.000-04:00

I haven't been totally honest/disclosing in my blog. It's been a really difficult past few months. Really difficult, challenging, eye-opening.

A few health issues have cropped up and without going into too much detail (I mean, c'mon, it's still me), it's scared me. The latest issue has me unsure of what to eat and how to eat it because my body just doesn't know how to handle its contents anymore. Intestines, why so much trouble all of a sudden?

I talked to the GI specialist that I've seen before and he said I may have some sort of IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome - just as nice as it sounds). Ick.

I wake up in the morning and I think about it. I fall asleep and I think about it. It's hard to keep myself well when I have all these "things" cropping up out of left field.

So there you go. The whole sha-bang (of sorts) and I'm trying to plug away with a new semester replete with research, lit reviews, creating lessons. . .

Where is Jesus when I'm feeling this way? It's been difficult to settle my thoughts and really ponder this without getting upset.

The truth is: He is right here even when I can't feel Him. He comforts because that's what He does. He binds up the broken-hearted and saves those crushed in spirit. He is strength in weakness. He loves with an all-consuming love that gives me purpose. He is good. He is the opposite of all the broken-down ick-iness that leaves us feeling hollow. He fills us with life and brings us back from the dead.
That's my prayer for myself and for anyone who asks.

goodbye, summer

2011-08-24T09:03:00.003-04:00

New semester coming up and scratching my head wondering where the heck summer went.

This summer was stranger than past ones. I had classes for the majority of it so it never felt like summer-summer. There was scorching heat in abundance, but one can relax only but so much when there are papers to write and assignments to complete.

I'm not quite sure what else to write, but I felt like I should since I haven't in awhile. Maybe it's time to go on another hiatus until I feel inspired again.

I'll leave you with this anecdote. I drove in the exact opposite direction I meant to for about 20 minutes. Have you ever done this before? That moment of realization is awesome. At one point, I stared at the approaching sign, indicating cities that I'd already driven through. What? What is going on? It took about 2 seconds to compute that I was driving the wrong way.

I pull off into the closest exit and quickly realize that I again, made another mistake. I was driving towards a military center and could not enter. Panic. Would they arrest me? Uniforms started appearing and I hightailed it, praying that I could find a way out. Which I did. Safely and in one piece but missing a piece/chunk of assurance in my sense of direction.

tricks of the trade

2011-08-07T15:19:00.003-04:00

Wondering how those beautiful celebrities always looks so beautiful in pictures? No, it's not their personal trainer. Or access to a personal chef. Or designer clothes.

Apparently, this is how to look good in pictures.

And speaking of pictures, here's a recent one of me and Mia. She still scratches and hisses, but we're cool.

$$$ and sell, sell, sell

2011-08-04T16:46:00.002-04:00

Can anyone please inform me of what is going on with the debt crisis? And how about the stock market? I've heard rumblings of "doom's day" - I'm not sure what to make of this. I wish I understood finances and government and exactly how they work.

What does this mean for the everyday working guy with a 401K plan hoping to retire in 5 years? What does this mean for the undergrad or grad student with mounting loans? What does this mean?

Fear is not from the Lord, but I have to say - whatever is going on does not ease my mind in the least.

semi-super fan

2011-07-29T10:22:00.000-04:00

Guess what I'll be watching come March 2012?

life on purpose

2011-07-26T14:57:00.003-04:00

I was listening to a sermon and as I usually do (but try to avoid), I zoned out from time to time. But his words were so compelling and passionate.

I was particularly struck by his message that we have been "delivered from meaninglessness". Whoa. I mean, wow. Do I live my life like that? Or am I chest deep and absorbing the meaninglessness all around me?

I read the latest books and magazines. Watch the movies. Buy a new shirt. Have a conversation. Eat out. There's nothing inherently wrong with these things at all. But is that all that my life is about?

What am I building, brick-by-brick and stone-by-stone, my life into? Is it a crumbly facade of meaninglessness and no purpose aside from doing what seems "good" or evens feels like the "right thing"? Or is it firmly soldered into the rock of Jesus that is meaning, that is purpose?

We have been delivered from meaninglessness. The gate is wide opened, the chains are off. I want to live my life like it's on purpose. That's my prayer.

vive

2011-07-18T09:50:00.003-04:00

As I walked to class this morning, the beginning of damp humidity seeping into my skin, I saw a man sitting on his front porch. I've seen him before, watering his brightly-colored plants, reading his paper, and sipping his coffee. He's very friendly, always saying 'hello' as I or anyone else passes.

I think that's bliss. Sitting on your porch, sipping coffee, watching the day begin. Good music usually augments these moments.

As I've noted before and will again, I'm a dork. I love instrumental compilations and this is one that I've been enjoying lately. (And yes, it is indeed a musical adventure).

on friends

2011-07-16T10:53:00.003-04:00

The older I get, the more I realize how important it is to have as many different kinds of friends as possible.

Friends that you laugh with (hopefully this should be most of them), friends to process with, friends to bond over common hobbies, friends that challenge you, friends that encourage you.

It's amazing how different I am around different friends. Friend A sees me in one light and Friend B sees me in another. I don't think this is a bad thing. I'm still all those sides, just some more prominent than others at times.

My favorite is the times with friends in which I think all those sides are synthesized. I can be funny, goofy, serious, embarrassed, vulnerable. I leave feeling lighter and more like myself.

the changing and unchangeable

2011-07-06T19:12:00.002-04:00

I'm not very good at keeping up with my journal. I go through stages in which I'm very attentive and/or introspective and/or reflective. At the same time, I'm also disciplined enough to relay the thoughts onto paper. It's a great marriage (introspection + recording abilities = immortalized thoughts . . or something like that). Yet, those stages are far too infrequent.

I picked up my journal and read an entry from last July. It's always fascinating to look back on what I was doing at this exact time last year. The past several summers have been very eventful. Last summer: moved to a new city. Two summers before: moved and started my first "grown-up" job. Summer before that: moved and started the Trinity Fellows Program.

What I usually find from my walks down memory lane is God's enduring and steadfast faithfulness. My life changes. My relationships, housing, job status, health, etc. can all change. He does not.

The lesson that was such a "eureka!" moment is still a eureka moment. Truth is truth. And God still loves me just the same.

ode to mom

2011-06-30T18:48:00.002-04:00

For those who have not had the pleasure to meet my mother, you should. I know if she reads this post, it will greatly embarrass/flatter her, but I'm doing it anyway.

She is awesome. I hope to be selfless, giving, encouraging, and genuinely love others like her someday. In 32 years, I hope I can be described as such.

That's all.

summer and song

2011-06-30T17:53:00.006-04:00

I admit it. I discovered this song because of the trailer for the movie "Winnie the Pooh"...as I waited for "Cars 2" to begin.

A sweet song to listen to in my room, as the breeze floats in and I hear the cars drive by...

My life is crazy right now. Do you know what I'm talking about? I don't think I've actually stopped to think in about a week. Between moving-unpacking-classes-going out of town and everything in between... whew, deep breath.

crushes part fünf

2011-06-14T17:37:00.002-04:00

Well, there really isn't much to say. Honestly. I saw what's-his-face the other day. Unexpectedly. I saw him from a distance and tried to determine if I should even talk to him. He might not remember my name and here I've been... thinking about how strange his pants selection is and his rather abysmal song choices.

We talked. Eye contact happened and he walked over. It was a yay/oh-shoot moment.

What's-his-face: "Hey, it's Jamie, right"?

Me: (inner dialogue: uh, duh) "Yeah, and you're what's-his-face"?

It's pretty nondescript from there. We talked about music again mainly because a pop song was playing by an artist that he didn't know. Basically anything Top 40 was beyond his consciousness.

I laughed pretty openly at him, but I also confessed that I'm abnormally and freakishly tuned into anything pop culture related. He reassured me that it was "ok". I thought that was nice of him.

We said good-bye on a friendly note. He asked if he would see me the next day in church and I said "probably" (we did see each other briefly).

I don't think Lifetime or Hallmark will be calling me for the rights to my life story, but there it is - crush has turned into friendly acquaintance. I hope we can be friends.

ounce of inspiration

2011-06-10T11:19:00.005-04:00

"Never underestimate the caliber of your being."

-anonymous friend

Certain phrases, advice, or suggestions lovingly given stick with you sometimes. That particular one above will probably be on the periphery of my mind for the majority of my life.

What does it mean? Don't sell yourself short. You are capable of more than you give yourself credit for. You have been given life abundantly. Take it, run with it, throw it up in the air. Let it swell and fill the room with joy. Celebrate today - yes, right now. Breathe it in...

So, my friend. Never underestimate the caliber of your being. You are so loved. Now go out in joy and be led forth in peace.

epic

2011-06-09T17:52:00.003-04:00

Have you ever read a book or series of books that just got stuck in your mind? I feel the story line, characters, and even the emotion envelope me. It makes me realize how impressionable I am and how easily malleable my feelings can be given an inventive imagination.

I just finished The Hunger Games trilogy. Similar to my Harry Potter Experience 2k9, I don't know why I started reading them - especially because it's technically youth fiction. They're being made into movies so that first piqued my interest, I think.

If you don't know anything about them, it would be difficult to explain. It's a dystopian, post-apocalyptic society that requires families to part with their children and watch them compete in the annual Hunger Games. The Game's rule is simple: kill or be killed... and it's being broadcasted live for entertainment value.

Disturbing, yes. But whenever something becomes wildly popular, it always appears on my pop culture radar of potential interest.

I spent way too many late nights reading them, unable to put in the bookmark and call it a night. I just got sucked in. What would happen? How could this possibly turn out okay when everything just seems to get worse and worse?

You might not have any interest in reading a story about teenaged children fighting to the death and a society that centers on violence, terror, and hopelessness - but believe it or not, it does turn out okay (sorry for the spoiler).

I'm trying to see the redemption and it's difficult. I'm still in the stage of character development, plot lines, and disturbing turn of events swirling in my head. The sheer epic-ness of their lives. I have to say, author Suzanne Collins created a compelling society in a country called Panem.

you are not alone

2011-06-05T19:41:00.003-04:00

Here's the truth in love:

Remember that you are not alone. "The Lord, He it is that doth go with thee. He will not fail thee neither forsake thee. Be strong and of good courage." (Deut. 31:8) Jesus promised His disciples, "Lo, I am with you always." (Matt. 28:20) Never mind if you cannot feel His presence. He is there, never for one moment forgetting you.

-Elisabeth Elliot, Passion and Purity (p. 79)

I need to remember this - He is with me always, even I cannot feel Him. He is right here. What a comfort. And what a joy to know that I am so loved.

You are not alone. I think those words alone could heal and transform even the most desolate or hardest of hearts.

2011-06-02T11:31:00.003-04:00

It's barely June and it.is.hot. I've already transformed into this person who, despite my best efforts, sweats profusely wherever I go, lingers in front of the refrigerator/freezer a little too long, and dreams of the day when I will live somewhere with central air conditioning. (side note: it doesn't look like that will be happening until July 2012.)

Was there ever a time that I walked outside and shivered in the cold, wishing for the warmth of a summer day?

In order to cheer myself up, I try multiple things. I found a cute picture the other day and thought I'd share:

Too much adorable in one picture? Maybe.

preach it, sister

2011-05-25T11:17:00.003-04:00

Beth Moore is one of those polarizing people. You either love or highly dislike her. I'm more in the "love her" camp. Granted, she's not Henri Nouwen (but then again who is?), but she loves the Lord a lot and is all about being healthy. I can hop that bandwagon.

This excerpt is from her Insecurity book that I'm reading for my Bible study. I thought it was good stuff and very apt for me (cue humbling moment).

"Just because we have estrogen milking up our blood stream doesn't mean we have to carry on the insecurities of a preteen girl. We really can grow up. As hard as it is, we really can take responsibility. We really can find freedom. We can sit around and think about how pathetic we are, or we really can pursue some healing - for ourselves and that preteen girl". (p. 273)

not sugar-coated

2011-05-23T20:02:00.005-04:00

It's very rare to have a friend that you can share pretty much anything. Not having to censor, sugar-coat, or tie up with a pretty bow. I feel like a mess and I will allow myself to be a mess right now...roar!

I've been having those moments semi-frequently. My life is weird right now. By "weird" I mean, in transition. Moving again, taking classes in the already sweltering heat of summer, scratching my head over how I will possibly afford my life (monetarily, that is).

Do you ever feel like your life is just a swirl of craziness? That's what I voiced the other night to my friend (who was/is a rockstar for putting up with said craziness). It was a mixture of anxiety over classes, stress about dollars, wanting to be in a relationship, but not a wanting to be in a relationship - all magnified 100X. Mid-rant, I was convicted of 1. the absurdity of what I was saying and 2. how important it is to share, but also allow myself to just be quiet.

There is a time and place for everything. I'm praying for such discernment. God, help me to know when to speak and share and also when to lock it up and turn it over to You.

Poor men. Of course they don't understand women because we barely understand ourselves. Good luck.

crushes part quatre

2011-05-19T11:31:00.004-04:00

If you care to get a further glimpse into the middle school-like life of a 26 year old, please read the following:

Remember what's-his-face who I had a "crush" on like, 5 months ago? No? Yeah, it really wasn't that memorable to me either...(ahem)

Well, after initially meeting him a couple months ago, I was like: I am so totally over that. First off, he's nothing like I imagined in my head. He's pretty quirky and wears a strangely large number of sweatpant-looking trousers. That aside...

We had another interaction semi-recently. I saw him waltz into our mutual friend's backyard and survey the area. I glanced, feigning interest. He walked over to my friend and said hi. I looked at him, he said hi to me. It was the type of ambiguous hi in which I wonder if the person actually knows who I am. The usual dead giveaway is the subtraction of an identifying name. Instead of "hello, so-and-so", it's just a plain and simple "hi". In my mind I'm thinking - yep, you have no idea who I am.

The evening progressed. We played cornhole. Later, a group sat around the firepit and did what you're supposed to do around a fire, stare at it. Our conversations overlapped a few times. His comments hinged on awkward, but we all laughed in good fun.

I stared into the fire and heard someone ask, "So, Jamie...are you finished with the semester?" I look up and it's what's-his-face. I think I looked at him for .5 seconds longer than I should have. I managed to say a standard response also hinging on awkward. (Why so much awkward? Why?)

We talked a little more and the conversation was more or less okay. He is quirky, that's for sure. He likes music that I think I may abhor. Abhor is too strong a word. Highly dislike. That's better.

I have to admit, I'm intrigued. Not a crush because crushes are stupid. I don't know why, but I think I wrote off what's-his-face a little too quickly the first time.

Side note: thanks, Court, for your feedback. I always welcome/love it.

will you be my friend?

2011-05-11T22:39:00.000-04:00

This question transcends age, culture, life situation, career status - you name it. No matter where I am, how awesome I think I've become (please note the tongue in cheek tone), what I really want is to feel accepted and included.

Liz Lemon may think that all everyone wants is to eat a sandwich in peace, I think that all everyone wants is to have a friend or group of friends that sees him/her, knows him/her, and still wants to be around him/her.

Rejection stinks. I mean, really stinks. Feeling it or even thinking about feeling it makes me feel like that lost puppy...wandering in the streets...in the rain...with a limp. Get the picture?

I'm not quite sure what to do with those feelings, but I've resolved that they are universally felt. They come in varying degrees for people, but the desire to be accepted is most certainly a common denominator of humanity.

I think I've gotten to a point in life where the dust of adolescent angst is beginning to settle. I feel comfortable in my skin 92.81% of the time. I have friends who see me, know me, and still want to be around me. These are blessings I hope I never take for granted. And those moments where I feel rejected or left out? Well, I think that's part of being human.

Thank you, Jesus, for accepting me. Unconditionally and without strings attached.

'tis the season

2011-05-05T09:58:00.002-04:00

I haven't done any sort of fashion-oriented post since...well, I long time.

Fashion/clothes/make-up/hair study has taken a backseat to my real studies. Unfortunately. I love seeing what's new and out there. Granted, it can become an obsession that's really not worth more than 30 minutes max of my day, but there really are so many pretty things that I can dream of donning one day - after I make my first million, of course. A girl can dream, right?

It's the season of sun dresses, sandals, and more exposed skin. It looks like, at least according to Nicole Richie, the maxi dress is here for a little while longer.

It does not suit my body, but I love how it looks. And the print - I love it! You might not be able to see it very well, but her hair is sporting this cool braid-headband thing.

It's her own design from her line, Winter Kate. Me gusta!

current state of affairs

2011-05-04T09:27:00.003-04:00

Disclaimer: this post is highly opinionated and may be a little rant-y. Please continue.

For whatever reason, this article made me really sad. I ran across the blurb on people.com and the opinions of Ms. Cameron Diaz, resident blond and perennial California girl actress, made my heart sink. Is that what our culture really thinks about marriage? Are people viewing the institution of marriage as a dying, archaic expression that is unnecessary for true commitment?

After having a few conversations with classmates from my grad program (all of which are in "committed" and long term relationships - most living together), I realize that the world does view marriage as...irrelevant. What's the point when most people get divorced anyway?

What has become of marriage? When did the vows of "until death do us part" became more of a loose suggestion or overly sentimental pledge?

And look, Diaz, you're entitled to your opinion but I hope you know that thousands, millions of young girls and women may be reading your words. These opinions (that may arguably be stated out of jaded, bitter, or even tired feelings) are shaping today's and our future's culture.

I understand, after talking with my classmates and pondering it myself, why the institution of marriage is dissolving. I think the concept of marriage has changed from how it was originally designed. Marriage was/is the union of two people, a pledge before God and witnesses to live their lives together. "From this day forth, your life is just as important if not more important than my own". "God has put you in my life and just as God has shown me grace and continues to love and want a relationship with me, I will do the same with you".

Without these thoughts and these beliefs as the driving force behind marriage - there is no point. It is relegated to being an overly sentimental and cliched series of events. White dress? Check. Crying ring bearer? Check. Embarrassing garter retrieval? Check.

But there's more. Oh so much more. I could write 389 more paragraphs, but I'll close for now with the thought that it makes me sad. The thought that marriage is a useless expression of emotion is evidence of the fall. We've been inoculated from being moved by the beauty of one person committing to another, saying that God is good and redemption is possible.

media snippet

2011-04-25T23:26:00.003-04:00

Have you seen the movie "Soul Surfer"? For those who are unfamiliar with the movie based on the book, it's the true story of 13-year-old surfer Bethany Hamilton losing her arm in a shark attack. Today, at 21, Bethany is a very outspoken believer and is a professional surfer despite her lack of left arm-ness. Inspiring and encouraging story. The movie itself is well-acted (starring Helen Hunt, Dennis Quaid, and AnnaSophia Robb) and bonus - not cheesy. Christian movies have the tendency to drive its faith message without regard for cliche or corny-ness. "Soul Surfer" is true to its message and maintains quality standards. This is my 30 second review, but I would highly recommend.

Mat Kearney's song "Runaway" is featured in the movie. I'm currently liking it a lot:

to hope

2011-04-18T19:35:00.003-04:00

I was sitting in the car, waiting for the light to turn. My dad was sitting in the car directly in front of us, since we had just pulled out of the same restaurant parking lot.

"He is a sweet, sweet man. He's too good to me." I look at my mom, knowing exactly who she's talking about.

"That's what I want to say someday," I said.

"Me too."

took the words outta my mouth

2011-04-10T20:44:00.003-04:00

Other people 9 times out of 10 will say something that is like a direct thought sequence from my brain. It's like, they know my life. Case in point:

"This morning I woke up somewhat depressed. I could not find any reason for it. Life just felt empty, useless, fatiguing. I felt invaded by somber spirits. I realized that this mood was lying to me. Life is not meaningless. God has created life as an expression of love. It helped me to know this, even though I could not feel it. Based on this knowledge, I could again choose joy. This choice means simply to act according to the truth. The depressed mood is still there. I cannot just force it out of my heart. But at least I can unmask it as being untrue and thus prevent it from becoming the ground for my actions.

I am called to be joyful. It gives much consolation to know that I can choose joy."

-Henri Nouwen, The Road to Daybreak (p. 138-9)

I just finished the book The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie. Great, great book. I highly recommend. It's a glimpse into the Native American reservation lifestyle that I've never fully understood. And it's a teen fiction so it's an easy (but very informative) read.

There were quite a few quotes that I liked, but I particularly liked this one:

"If you let people into your life a little bit, they can be pretty damn amazing."

I have nothing to add that hasn't already been described by writers far more eloquent than me.

seasons

2011-04-08T18:16:00.007-04:00

I'm learning to be grateful for seasons. Sometimes it can be sad. I was sad when a particularly sweet time in life ended and had to embrace the change. Other times, I'm like - thank God that time is over! You know what I mean?

Friendships can have their season in life. My temporary fixation on Honey Nut Cheerios had its season, too. I guess because I'm primarily an 'F' (on the Myers-Briggs), I just feel when it's time. Not all the time, but sometimes.

Maybe it comes with experience, age, prayer for perception - I'm not sure, but I think it's a healthy thing to learn to adjust to the undulations of life.

For someone who was born adamantly opposed to change, this is pretty big. And still, my underlying desire is for something permanent. There are some friendships that will stand the test of time. And no matter where I go or how much I age, I will always love chips 'n salsa.

And even deeper, it's comforting - while I can vacillate and change like the blink of an eye - that God doesn't change. He's the same yesterday, today, and forever.

Change is good, but having the security of Someone and something(s) that will never change is even better.

healing & joy

2011-03-31T12:49:00.003-04:00

Still on mini-hiatus, but this is some good stuff:

"Prayer heals. Not just the answer to prayer. When we give up our competition with God and offer God every part of our heart, holding back nothing at all, we come to know God's love for us and discover how safe we are in his embrace. Once we know again that God has not rejected us, but keeps us close to his heart, we can find again the joy of living, even though God might guide our life in a different direction from our desires."

- Henri Nouwen, The Road to Daybreak (p. 120)

I wonder if Mr. Nouwen ever thought as he wrote, man - this is so profound. I am so profound. I doubt it, but it's true. Every word out of that man's mind/mouth is profound.

take 5

2011-03-22T21:33:00.001-04:00

Taking a break for awhile. To my 2.8 readers out there, thanks for being patient.

sound bite

2011-03-08T13:07:00.002-05:00

(while listening to music that has been very auto-tuned)

-3rd grader: their voices sound funny.

-me: yeah, how do you think that happens?

-3rd grader: editing.

Kids are very smart.

more like falling in love

2011-03-07T10:08:00.004-05:00

Love is in the air. It may be a month after Valentine's Day, but love permeates the walls of my apartment and seems to be cropping up in conversations everywhere.

The concept of love is something that has been incubating in my mind since viewing my first Disney movie. There is usually a ballad, singing woodland creatures, and finely choreographed dancing. Boy meets girl, eyes meet and instant love.

But even now, I realize that idea still lingers and I'm constantly surprised when I actually think to myself - how do people fall in love? It seems so...impossible. How in the world does someone realize that this person in front of them is..."the one"?

After chatting with a couple people, including my engaged roomie - I realize that yes, love happens very quickly for some. An instant connection and then they resume life like conjoined twins. For others (and I think this will be the case for me), it's a slow, gradual process that happens without you even realizing it. Somewhere between "hi, it's nice to meet you" and "I do" is layer after layer of realizing that "I like this person enough to spend...I don't know, the rest of my life with them".

It's little things that add up to become a big thing. I don't know if this makes sense. But I'm working out in my mind and praying about it. Love really is a gift from God. Because only God could make something so beautiful out of two infallible and imperfect people.

(side note: Listen to Jason Gray's "More Like Falling in Love". Highly recommend.)

the road not taken

2011-03-04T10:39:00.003-05:00

By some interpretations, Robert Frost wrote "The Road Not Taken" as a way to reflect on the possibilities, the life that could've been, the "what if" that can still tug on the back of your mind (I wrote a paper on Robert Frost in the 11th grade so I am obviously an expert).

The poem is usually relegated to Hallmark greeting cards for recent high school or college graduates, but I think the message is much more contemplative than a mere "carpe diem" sort of rally. He doesn't talk about the road he did take; he focuses on the road that he did not take. How many times in our lives are we faced with an obvious fork in the path?

I was reminded of my college decision. Originally, I was going to go to a huge state university. It's a reputable school - well known for its diversity, high scholastic achievement, and athletics. But... at the last minute, I changed my mind. I was literally enrolled in classes, assigned a roommate, the whole sha-bang.

But something didn't stick right in my heart (or was it my mind?) I didn't feel right about attending. I was 18-years-old and clearly in over my head.

I look back and realize that God's presence was clearly in that situation. I didn't end up going to said college. Instead I commuted for a year and then transferred. And the rest, as they say, is history.

I've thought a couple times of what would've happened if I'd stayed. Stuck it out and just went. What would've happened?

It isn't worth contemplating for more than 10 minutes, but in my (ahem) short 26 years, I've already had a couple of "road not taken" moments. I'm sure there's more to come...

couldn't have said it better

2011-03-02T09:11:00.004-05:00

Delysia: (during an air raid drill) Guinevere, I'm scared!

Guinevere Pettigrew: It's just a drill. I'm sure it's just a drill.

Delysia: But it won't always be, will it? We're going to war, aren't we?

Guinevere: Yes we are. And that is why you you must not waste a second of this precious life. Listen to me. Once I too had ambitions. Not your grand ones, simple ambitions. Marriage, children and a house of our own. He died, in the mud in France. A good, solid man. You would call him dull, no doubt, but he smiled whenever he saw me and we could've built a life on that. Your heart knows the truth, Delysia. Trust it.

- Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day

I really like this. Do not "waste a second of this precious life". Amen, sister. And if you haven't watched this movie, please do. You won't regret it.

ta-da (alt. title: crushes part tres)

2011-02-27T19:13:00.003-05:00

Disclaimer: my topic is pretty girly and has no neatly wrapped conclusion. Proceed.

I've realized something about myself. An epiphany, if you will. And since it's SO important - gotta blog about it, obviously.

I've realized that I form crushes on the same guy every time. The.same.guy.

I mean, not literally. It's not the same person, but the same type of person. Why do I do that to myself? And I don't think I can chalk it up to having a "type". This goes beyond type. This is more about the fact that I sabotage myself by forming crushes on the same unobtainable, personable, but everyone-has-a-crush-on-him guy. What the what?

I have to admit. I'm a little peeved. Mostly peeved at myself. But peeved at those men out there that are so nice to everyone, creating an illusion of interest. Yes, I completely acknowledge my slight irrationality right now. Nice guys, don't stop being nice. But do stop pulling on girls' heartstrings only for it to mean nada. Please and thank you. (Interjection: is this my own fault? I may have to ponder that question).

Does this even make any sense? I'm rambling. But I think this is an epiphany that's been slowly sinking in the past couple weeks and completely came to a head today.

I think I'm finished for now.

forget me not

2011-02-24T12:02:00.003-05:00

(swoon)

I picture the protagonist and his lady love walking into the distance with this song as the soundtrack. . .

moral relativism & freedom

2011-02-22T21:44:00.003-05:00

"Relativism is problematic in that, if taken seriously, it can lead us to withhold resources that are important for moral growth. People do not learn to make responsible choices by being told that it does not matter what they decide, since one choice is as good as another. They learn to make responsible choices by learning to appraise arguments and consider evidence relevant to what they have to decide".

"Nothing about freedom follows from moral relativism..."

(taken from one of my texts, The Ethics of Teaching)

Interesting. After reading this, I was reminded of an acquaintance from back in the day... (I'm about to reference our favorite social networking site). He had written as his status on facebook something to the effect of "freedom is doing whatever the [expletive] I want".

But no. That isn't true on multiple counts. Even from a secular text, that isn't considered true. As people, we have the gift of reasoning, using resources, asking questions. As believers, we have a Heavenly Father who loves us enough to give us the freedom of choice, but outlined 10 very specific rules to live by.

So no, wayward acquaintance, freedom is not doing whatever the [expletive] you want. Freedom entails a balance with responsibility, saying no sometimes, and believing that "God never denies our heart's desire without giving us something better". (E. Elliot)

best moment of your life

2011-02-19T10:54:00.002-05:00

The best days of your life won't be the ones you expect them to be, but they will happen. I remember being in the countryside in Virginia one day with friends having a picnic lunch and eating the best apple I have ever tasted. You won't know which moments will stand out for you later, you can't know. It doesn't matter - live them all anyway. Because right now is always the best moment of your life, and the time will pass anyway.

- what I wish for you: simple wisdom for a happy life, Patti Digh (I italicized for emphasis)

I was talking to a friend about moments that I felt really good, content. And it's true - you don't recognize those moments as they happen. I spent last summer by the neighborhood pool. Sometimes alone, sometimes with someone. I love the smell of Coppertone and with its sweet fragrance wafting, I settled myself poolside, book in hand. I read The Mark of the Lion series and The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society book. All of them made me cry. I tried to disguise it, as I was in public after all, but I realized it didn't matter. After sitting in the beating sun, sweat running profusely down my face, I look like one big puddled mess. And no one was really watching me anyway.

I learned a lot through those moments. About being content with being alone, allowing God to speak to me through books, and about the beauty of relationships.

artful moment of the day

2011-02-18T09:34:00.003-05:00

With the Academy Awards approaching, I was reminded of one winner from a couple years ago. His name is Kunio Kato and despite his broken English, I think I enjoyed his speech the most. You should most definitely Google it if you get the chance.

His animated short film, La Maison en Petits Cubes (The House of Small Cubes) brings out the melancholy in me. It's only 12 minutes and despite having no talking, it speaks volumes. I felt a sense of loneliness, but also satisfaction as the main character looks back on his life.

crushes part deux

2011-02-16T13:25:00.002-05:00

Remember when I talked about crushes? Yeah, that was silly. But oh no, the saga doesn't end. Not necessarily with that particular boy but just in general. In class the other day, the professor showed us a website on pbskids.org. There was a series of videos that could be shown to parents or kids on various topics - e.g. bullying, etc. One was also labeled "crushes". I laughed to myself.

But then it reminded me of this story from Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul. Remember those books? I think I owned like, 3 of them.

I found the story online. I have no idea how especially since I didn't remember the title and it's been about 11 years since I read it last. But it's here if you're interested.

Crushes. They begin at a young age and end when you say "I do". But I suppose you should always have a crush on your spouse, right? So to edit what I said: Crushes. They begin at a young age and continue forever.

finally a grown-up

2011-02-15T12:42:00.004-05:00

me: "How old are you when you're a grown-up"?

3rd graders: "In ten years." (that would make them 18 and 19-years-old).

Awesome.

ponderings

2011-02-09T21:18:00.002-05:00

Is it weird that I've had socks since middle school? And I still don't know how to ride a bike without hands? And how about the fact that I cannot (for the life of me!) know how to do cartwheels?

That aside, I feel very blessed. Year 26 is lookin' good...

Formula for a fun evening:

friends + chicken pot pie + 1 cosmo + late 90's music = memories

25 + 1

2011-02-07T21:27:00.007-05:00

So close to being a quarter of century plus one years old. Is it that time of year again already? Did I ever think I would be twenty-six years old, ever?

What has happened in the last year?

- applied to grad school

- quit my job

- did some/a lot of soul searching

- got into grad school

- moved to a new city

- started grad school

- learn(ed)(ing) to see each day as an adventure

Here's to a new year of adventure and God's boundless grace on me.

And my latest song obsesh (obsession) is Ella Fitzgerald's "You Go To My Head". As I told my roommate: "if I ever dance with someone to this song, I would die - in a good way".

30 rock > reality tv

2011-02-03T23:01:00.002-05:00

I could probably list 3,391 reasons why I love 30 Rock, but this little clip is one of the more subtle ones. Insightful, dry, and oh-so tongue in cheek:

crushes and how to solve them

2011-01-31T01:09:00.003-05:00

What could I possibly be doing at 1 AM? Obviously not writing my paper that's due in 2 days...

What's on my mind? Something that's alluded me since first grade.

Crushes.

Yes, crushes. Those familiar attachments we form on an innocent, unsuspecting victim. They have no idea that they are the targets of furtive glances, tracking movements around the room, and hopes that maybe - just maybe they'll see the light of day and BAM. You are exactly what they've been looking for.

This particular crush is such an out there - somewhere out in the stratosphere of possibly sort of crush. I don't technically know him. I've seen him a total of four times at the church I've attended. There he was, across the row. I tried to play it off. Oh, he's not that attractive, I told myself. Scoffing at the idea that I could still form a crush on a boy just because he's slightly better looking than average. Silly.

But no. Flash forward a month and it's still there. Clinging to my heart like a barnacle. I see him in the row in front of me. I try to dissect who he is with my mind powers. No such luck.

I will try to release it. This silly crush. Yes, he may have smiled at me as I walked by today, but it doesn't mean anything. I won't focus on the fact that maybe he did notice me. No, I'm too grown-up for that.

(side note: The title is completely misleading. My apologies. I'll be trying to figure this out as well as all the other great mysteries in life).

belonging

2011-01-29T21:47:00.001-05:00

When we are thrown up and down by the little waves on the surface of our existence, we become easy victims of our manipulative world, but, when we continue to hear the deep gentle voice that blesses us, we can walk through life with a stable sense of well-being and true belonging.

-H. Nouwen, Life of the Beloved

fiction writing remembered

2011-01-27T13:45:00.004-05:00

In my previous life/pre-grad student days, I worked at a place that allowed me an "education benefit". In other words, I was alloted an amount of money to take classes for free. So, I looked up the options and decided to take a fiction writing class. I may have mentioned this before. I forget.

The instructor, Hannah Pittard, was in the midst of having her book published. It wouldn't be out for another year or so, but she expressed her excitement and I tried to imagine what it would be like to have my book in print for the world to see.

Well, the time is here. Her book is out - it's entitled "The Fates Will Find Their Way". One article about her novel stuck out to me. You may find it interesting. And I'm excited that I have a new claim to fame (and a new book to peruse, of course).

an exercise in good things

2011-01-27T08:53:00.003-05:00

To do:

- multi-task less

- listen more

- wake up early/go to bed early

- talk to the person standing next to me (friend or not)

cocooned no more

2011-01-20T13:15:00.006-05:00

First week of classes are finished. The semester is underway. When I think of my life here, I kind of imagine being thrust out into a blinding spotlight. I'm blinking, images are blurry, and I feel very...exposed. Can you see it?

My life back in the ol' hometown is the opposite. It's like being in a warm, fuzzy cocoon. I'm safe, secure, and being fed 3 square meals a day plus snacks.

When I stack the two next to each other, there's no contest. If the contest was based on security and the pause-button-of-life being pushed.

Life here is different and hard. I'm challenged everyday and sometimes I just have to cling to truth and the Gospel. Back home, I don't have to do that as much. Cocoons don't need truth. Blinding spotlights have truth.

I'm realizing that if I didn't step out of my cocoon, I would never have these rich and sometimes challenging experiences. I wouldn't meet these people, encounter these situations, and cry out to Jesus half as much. I think I'm becoming more of the person I was meant to be because of where I am (sorry for the horrible grammar).

Repeat after me: it's by no accident or coincidence I am here. (repeat again when needed)

ready, set...

2011-01-17T21:01:00.003-05:00

All good things must come to an end, I suppose. After (ahem) a month off from classes, it's back to the ol' grindstone. 12 more credits, more thoughts of how to rid myself of as much responsibility as possible (moving to the Virgin Islands and operating a tiki stand is one idea), procrastination, and navigating the dusty book shelves of the library. Bring. it. on.

Ok, but in all seriousness, I am a little anxious. A month is a long vacation, but this particular vacation was filled with plenty of unplanned occurrences and at times, beaucoup stress. But I think I tried to take every opportunity to relax and savor each moment. I'll have to hang onto that and remember that the temporal stressful moment will indeed pass. (Deep breath)

Spring semester, you're fast approaching and I'll try to be friendly...

Lastly, I want my 2.3 readers to meet my brother's cat, Mia. She likes to bite, hiss, and scratch. But we're new bff's (as you can tell in the picture).

a new year, a new decade

2011-01-02T20:49:00.004-05:00

Happy New Year! Here's to a new year filled with beginnings, fresh starts, and hope for all the possibilities. And enjoy this picture of the cutest little baby new year:

uncharted territory

2010-12-31T09:05:00.004-05:00

I'm gonna lay it bare. A little bit. At least, I'll try.

I don't do the vulnerability thing very well. I like smiling, nodding, and presenting my already well thought-out, formulated thoughts (both in print and in reality). Call it pride, being a control freak, or probably a little of both. Yeesh. Those are wonderful qualities.

But it's true. I am extremely prideful and yes, a control freak. My books may not be alphabetized and I don't own a label maker, but I like control. My emotions, words, presentation - all of the above.

I want to be humble and most of all, I want to be living in peace. I want to be resting and surrendering everyday because I am loved.

I want to surrender the idea that I'll never be "there". Where is that place? Perfection? And here's the vulnerability part. A sliver of myself still thinks that once I get "there" - I'll meet the man of my dreams and we'll get married and live happily ever after. Boom.

But then I look at these amazing Christian women who have their ish together about 390% better than me and they're not married either. Gulp. Oh that's not good. Well, I'm a bit dead in the water, out of luck, [insert another idiom for outta hope].

Then I had this thought. It's not about being this paragon of perfection. It's me being me and in God's timing and my not sitting around - enter man-of-my-dreams (or maybe a man who loves Jesus and who loves me).

I don't understand a lot of things. But what I'm trying to understand more is that it's not about me being my own Savior. It's not about losing 5 more pounds or acquiring a new skill/hobby to make myself more marketable.

This is turning much longer than I planned. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I can't compare my story to someone else's - it's unique and ultimately, may not be easily explained. For the control freak, this is uncharted territory, an unknown, and this-is-not-okay.

But hey, as I am slowly freed of the perfection trap and idea that Prince Charming will only come as soon as I'm Princess Charming... well, who knows what will happen? Like I said, uncharted territory here.

that's what it's all about

2010-12-27T14:21:00.002-05:00

Christmas has come and gone and it was wonderful. A foot of snow covers the ground and I am contentedly cloistered inside.

A Couple Favorite Christmas Memories:

1. playing with my older brother's new Xbox Kinect. If you get the chance, play the dancing game. It's fun and hilarious and gets everyone involved. Triple bonus.

2. watching "It's a Wonderful Life" with my family. This movie is definitely in my top 5 favorites. 2 favorites scenes: George and Mary's phone conversation - enough said. And when George runs, lanky legs and all, yelling "Merry Christmas, you old Building and Loan!"

I had to remind myself, as the day went on, what was Christmas really about? And that's when a sweet voice sprang into my head...

good > bad

2010-12-14T10:47:00.002-05:00

Truth:

1. all bad will be made good

2. good things cannot be taken away

3. the best things are yet to come in Christ

-Jonathan Edwards

Ruminating on that. . .

Also: if you get the chance, listen to Jon Foreman's (from the band Switchfoot, yes) song, "Your Love is Strong". It's music to my ears and soothing to the soul.

can I get a witness?

2010-12-12T23:05:00.001-05:00

It's happening. People are getting engaged and dozens (or I guess I should say thousands) will be getting married this coming summer.

And in the spirit of that sentiment, I thought of this quote from the movie, "Shall We Dance?". It's not necessarily a Biblical view of marriage (or the reason to get married, etc.), but the first time I heard it, I kind of melted.

"We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."

- Shall We Dance?

I guess it just illustrates the fact that we're made to live in community and have relationships. We're meant to have people as an integral part of our lives - to invest in and be invested in.

how to be well: still a work in progress

2010-12-09T21:09:00.002-05:00

The semester will be officially over for me by this time next week. YES. It's surreal and I can hardly contain my excitement over this thought.

I have to report on my wellness plan next week. I'm not quite sure what I'll say. Mainly, I wasn't very good at adhering to my own wellness plan. I knew the information in my mind, but it didn't really sink into my heart.

Mind: Jamie, you need to wake up early, exercise, quiet time, healthy breakfast, and then - you may conquer the world.

Heart: Jamie, you should probably let yourself sleep in because you deserve it. Exercise is purely optional, maybe a quick prayer is sufficient, coffee is a totally normal breakfast, and then - you may conquer the world.

C'mon, mind and heart. Get your act together.

As this decade comes to a close as well as my first semester of grad school, I realize I have more questions than before. My professor says this is okay.

Newness bring unfamiliarity. Unfamiliarity causes some discomfort. And discomfort can cause growth.

swoon

2010-12-02T09:42:00.002-05:00

Reason #1 Why I'll Always Love Gene Kelly:

rainy morning

2010-12-01T09:00:00.003-05:00

This may turn into a blog of just Henri Nouwen's thoughts. FYI.

It's rainy and blustery. The kind of day that reminds me of Winnie the Pooh and his blustery days. It's December FIRST - and not even a hint of Winter weather yet. Will it turn cold before Christmas day? I hope so. Not that I love cold weather, but it's completely appropriate for the time of year.

I read this the other day - "When our love is rooted in God's love, we can carry the burden of life and discover it to be light." - H. Nouwen

I'm ruminating. And it's so fitting. Right now, at the end of the semester, I'm tired. And my life seems a little too difficult to carry. But God has filled me with his love and Holy Spirit and with that, life looks a little different.

Life isn't a burden to be carried. It's an offering to Jesus - we are crying out to the Lord to be our Savior. And he will be there, every time.

anticipation

2010-11-21T12:21:00.003-05:00

One of the most wonderful time(s) of year is rapidly approaching. I can't believe that Thanksgiving is next week. I mean, seriously? Where did this semester go?

What stands between me and a copious amount of food and time with family/friends is a couple papers and a 5-ish hour drive. Turkey, stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie - are you salivating yet?

On a side note - this is the first year in awhile that I've had to do school work over a holiday. Not too crazy about that, but oh well. I'll take it. I have a month-long Christmas break so win some, lose some.

Also, with Thanksgiving comes free reign to listen to all the Christmas I want. I. can't. wait.

This one in particular is a favorite of mine.

futility?

2010-11-18T11:52:00.004-05:00

I think one of my lifetime ponderations will be the seeming "futility" of quiet times. I go through spells of time with little to no time with Jesus. I zip through my day like tomorrow's Christmas and I've gotten no gifts. Or even worse, I am quiet in the morning, but I do very little to connect with God.

So, back to Henri Nouwen and more specifically, his book The Road to Daybreak. He talks about this very topic in his entry entitled "Useless Prayer". So what's the point? What if I've not "getting" anything out of it? I couldn't summarize his words well enough and do it justice so here we go (trust me, it's good) -

"The remarkable thing, however, is that sitting in the presence of God for one hour each morning - day after day, week after week, month after month - in total confusion and with myriad distractions radically changes my life. God, who loves me so much that he sent his only son not to condemn me but to save me, does not leave me waiting in the dark too long. I might think that each hour is useless, but after thirty or sixty or ninety such useless hours, I gradually realize that I was not as alone as I thought; a very small, gentle voice has been speaking to me far beyond my noisy place. So: Be confident and trust in the Lord." (p. 30, italicized for emphasis)

of yesteryear

2010-11-11T22:57:00.009-05:00

I don't know what made me think of this, but rediscovering this music video was awesome. Enjoy its awesomeness with me.

I think late 90's/early 2000's music will be my parents' equivalent of Simon & Garfunkel or The Cowsills. On those long car trips down south, I never understood why they loved that "old" music so much.

But here I am, reminiscing and being nostalgic. Sheesh. I have to admit, the thought of girls not experiencing the beauty of boy band music (à la Backstreet Boys) kind of breaks my heart. And no, Justin Bieber, you don't count.

who is in control?

2010-11-06T11:36:00.006-04:00

"I feel like praying tonight that my life might become simple enough for me to able to say "yes" when Jesus looks at me with love and invites me to leave everything behind and follow him. Missing that moment would not only sadden Jesus and me but would, in a way, also be a refusal to take my true place in God's work of salvation." (p. 16)

-Henri Nouwen, The Road to Daybreak

What a scary/inspiring prayer. Is that how I'm living my life? Am I living my life unlike the rich young man - in my heart, am I leaving everything behind and following Jesus? Who is in control of my life?

geek moment: take 1

2010-10-30T11:48:00.006-04:00

I must be a nerd. I mean, I've known this my entire life and as much as I fight it - I am. A nerd, that is - ok, it's out there [again].

I'm really enjoying my Theories class. During undergrad, I was fascinated with the various perspectives of prominent psychologists. Adlerian Theory, Cognitive Behavioral Theory, and even Psychoanalysis are all fascinating to me. I think there's truth in all of them...yes, even Psychoanalysis and that weirdo Freud.

As I read through the chapters, I have constant "Ah-ha!" moments. "Yes! That's how people are! I know because I've done/seen/thought/acted/reacted that way before." It's fascinating. Are we, as people, that transparent? As much as I'd like to think that no one has ever felt the way I do, that isn't true. I am part of the human race.

Let's take Cognitive Behavior Therapy - Albert Ellis believed that blame is at the core of most emotional disturbances. We either blame ourselves or others for things that are not their/my fault. Instead, we have to learn to fully accept ourselves despite our imperfections. Good stuff.

Especially, if I look at these theories through the lens of Christianity, it's even more profound. These secular psychologists and theorists were onto something good - and they might not have even know how perfectly it fits into the Christian ethos. Psychologist Karen Horney conceptualized the term "tyranny of the shoulds" - being disturbed by what could have, should have, and all those feelings that entailed.

Christ came and redeemed all that. He took the punishment, He fully accepts us despite our imperfections, and He calls us to cast our feelings and anxieties onto Him.

I think I'm in the right field. And I hope and pray that Christ will continue to work through these Theories to teach me something good/new.

delve deep

2010-10-27T08:56:00.001-04:00

Be not the slave of

Your own past - plunge into

The sublime seas, dive deep,

And swim far, so you shall

Come back with self-respect,

With new power, with an

Advanced experience, that

Shall explain and overlook

The old.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

in costume

2010-10-21T10:50:00.005-04:00

For the past 8 or so years, one question comes up around this season: should I dress up for Halloween? and if so, what should I be?

Most children raised in America can testify to this fact: for several years, it's cool to dress up for Halloween. An animal, Disney character, something scary - the options are limitless. Then, for a period of 3 or 4 years, it is not cool. In fact, it's the antithesis of cool. I'd rather be seen with my parents at the mall. (Oh, teen angst, how I miss you...not.)

Then, somehow we reach full circle. Wait, we're dressing up again for Halloween? OK, I'm on board with that. Except instead of something cute...the costumes tend to be a bit (ahem) edgier.

That aside, as a 25-year-old, I'm in the mode of thinking that dressing up costume-wise is fun. I've never been the one to have the most stand-out costume that has everyone marveling at my wittiness/craftiness/boldness. That's a'ight with me. I like being the admirer more than the admiree (?)

My favorite costume to date was during my sophomore year of college. Myself, a couple suitemates, and another friend dressed up as Stepford wives. It was awesome. I bought a sundress, fake eyelashes, and some gaudy bling. BAM - costume done. I wish I had a picture of it, but it was fun. We looked like we were headed to the Kentucky Derby on steroids.

(A little creepy, right?)

I don't know if I'll be dressing up this year, but if I do - I have a few ideas stirring...

this 'n that

2010-10-14T18:11:00.007-04:00

The good stuff [can be simple or small]:

-leopard print anything

-v-neck t-shirts [go with anything]

-walking around Target [is always a good/expensive idea]

-waking up to rain and sleeping in

-seasonal coffee

how to be well: a work in progress

2010-10-12T11:04:00.005-04:00

As part of a semester-long assignment, I have to create a "wellness plan" for myself. What exactly does this mean? What does it mean to be "well?"

I guess this could mean a number of different things for different people. For some, they need to get at least 9 hours of sleep, talk to certain friends on a regular basis, read a good book, or hit a few balls at the driving range.

For myself, I've been trying to figure that out. It's funny how I'm usually not as aware of when I'm "well" as when I'm not well. Those symptoms usually entail feeling run-down, overwhelmed, or sluggish. It's all very holistic, really.

I've noticed such an inextricable link between physical and mental wellness (and vice versa.) If I'm feeling physically well, my mindset usually follows. I may be upping the exercise, eating more fresh fruits or vegetables. And if I'm feeling emotionally or mentally well, it makes me cognizant to exercise and/or eat better.

This sounds very cyclical and maybe that's because it is - so how do I cultivate and maintain my "wellness?" Sleeping's good, eating well is good. I've learned through trial and error that I absolutely need some sort of exercise to be well. It doesn't have to be a triathlon (or even a 3 mile run - let's be more realistic), but some sort of activity to get my heart pumping.

Staying well means tending to my physical and mental needs. If I need a break, take a break. Feeling anxious or "blah" - talk to someone or maybe take 5 and walk around the block. I try to quiet my heart and listen/see what God is trying to tell me...

music to my ears

2010-10-06T08:38:00.004-04:00

Particularly within the last couple years, I've come to appreciate instrumental music. No vocals, just the melodic blending of the piano and cello (I see you, Yo-Yo Ma.) As part of my "wellness plan" for class, I've been trying to narrow down what keeps me "well." A good diet, regular - er, semi-regular exercise, getting enough sleep.

Another part of my wellness plan is listening to good music. In the morning, while working, or when I'm trying to wind down - it all works. I recently obtained Sunday Morning Jazz. It's upbeat and cheery without being too distracting. I've found it enjoyable on not just Sunday mornings, but especially when I'm trying to write papers.

Speaking of, I'm off to work on a presentation...that's due this afternoon. Point being, even if you're not a big music person (I'm not really either, I just aspire to it), there's just something about good music that's inspiring and helps give a little perspective.

like a child

2010-09-29T09:35:00.005-04:00

One thing I ask of the Lord

this is what I seek:

that I may dwell in the house of the Lord

all the days of my life,

to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord

and to seek him in His temple.

- Psalm 27:4

My prayer today is that I will come to the Lord with need, with childlike faith and that he will show me grace. I can't do it on my own. It's amazing how quickly I fall into a self-sufficient, "I-got-this-covered" mentality. Maybe I'm not so grown-up, maybe I really am just a small child sometimes (ok, most of the time.)

If you've had these thoughts before, you're not alone. We should form a club and call it "all of humanity."

slice o' life

2010-09-22T09:22:00.004-04:00

I'm about to finish my 4th week of classes. Is that even possible? Already? I guess I'm grateful for that. I don't get a flock of butterflies in my stomach before trekking to class anymore. And for the first time, I actually spoke up in my Theories class. (You know those classes where people say über intelligent things and you end up just sitting there, dumbfounded? It's one of those classes.)

We're rapidly approaching the season of bonfires, warm sweaters, and crisp morning air. As sad as I'll be to say good-bye to sweet (and unbelievably hot) Summer, bring on Autumn! No more 90 degree weather, please and thanks.

For those who are already familiar with the book, "Valley of Vision" - why didn't you take me by the shoulders and tell me, "YOU MUST READ THIS!" (actually, thanks for not doing that because I probably would've been really confused...)

Just a small expert from the prayer Resting on God:

"Grant me to know that I truly live only when I live to thee, that all else is trifling." Wow. These are powerful words. Especially living in a world that is highly embracing of relativism: your truth, my truth, his truth - it's all fine. But no. All else is trifling. There is only one way to truly live. One. My prayer is that God will show show me how to live this out in an honest, but compassionate way towards others. Amen.

Happy Wednesday, friends. And thanks to my 2.3 readers out there for sticking with my ramblings.

as a mere mortal

2010-09-14T10:13:00.003-04:00

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will.

- Romans 12:2

What does this mean in the everyday? I'm trying to figure out how this "fits" into graduate school life. I sit in class and I hear multiple theories everyday on human behavior. The feminist theory, psychoanalytic theory, existential theory...the list goes on.

I'm actively being molded and shaped to think in certain ways that may not align with my Faith. I feel the tugs in opposing directions. How do you reconcile the two?

Also, I'm struck by the fact that we (mere mortals - although C.S. Lewis would probably disagree with me on that point) can test and approve what God's will is for our lives? Wow. Sign me up for that, asap.

As I think about my disconnect between heart and mind, I have to focus on renewal. It's a slow honing process. I may not have the answers now, but I will wait - for transformation, hope - and always experiencing grace.

Last point: whenever I think of grace, I'm reminded of a section in Bittersweet. Shauna Niequist describes grace as the bottom never falling out. I realize that wait for that - sooner or later, everything goes to pot. Grace is the opposite. No matter how low I seem to go (in a non-Limbo sort of way), grace will still be there. The bottom will never fall out. It'll never be beyond repair.

good morning

2010-09-01T10:01:00.005-04:00

There's something redemptive about leisurely drinking a cup of hot coffee with the quiet of the morning. The steam rises into my face and engulfs my first thoughts of the day.

Since my classes don't start until much, much later, I've had the tremendous gift of mornings. I haven't had this privilege for a couple years so I am particularly reveling in it.

If you have 30 minutes today, please listen to Greg Thompson's sermon "Jesus, the Only Deliverer" from last February. Partnered with a cup of coffee, it has most definitely been redemptive.

another day of firsts

2010-08-29T21:01:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow will be my first day of graduate school. I will walk into that class, armed with paper and pen and try to exert as much brainpower into that room as possible.

I remember my first day of school ever. I held up a sign with my little friends that our moms carefully placed into our small hands. They took pictures. I remember looking at the foreign looking symbols on the sign and thinking, I will be able to actually read what's written on this after today. (Side note: the sign read "First Day of School, September 1990.")

I remember my first day of high school. I had agonized over my outfit. I mean, agonized. After thinking, re-thinking, and over-analyzing, I selected a long-sleeved light blue top from Gap, khaki shorts, and my new Steve Madden black platform sandals. Oh, I was set. Fast forward to the next day, I couldn't find my class. Yes, I was late to my very first class in high school and as I walked to my seat in Biology, I stumbled over those formerly beloved Steve Maddens. I never saw them the same way after that.

I remember my first day of college. Again, I agonized over my outfit (I'm seeing a trend here...) I wanted to look "college-y", grown-up, self-assured. Heart-pounding, I walked to the building and sat down in the front row of Statistics. I organized my spiral notebook to be flush with the desk corner. The professor began speaking and it began, I was in college.

As I begin my next step, I will consciously not agonize over an outfit (ok, maybe just a little) and take a few deep breaths. I'll be a graduate student and at the end of the day, I couldn't do any worse than end up tripping in front of my entire class...

life-changing/giving

2010-08-26T13:39:00.005-04:00

If I haven't said it enough already, please read anything by Shauna Niequist. Her latest book, Bittersweet was published about a month ago and I've already had several "I have to ruminate on that" moments. Just a couple examples:

Grace Is The New Math (p. 83)

"I used to think that the ability to turn back time would be the greatest possible gift, so that I could undo all the things I wish I hadn't done. But grace is an even better gift, because it allows me to do more than just erase; it allows me to become more than I as when I did those things. It's forgiveness without forgetting, which is much sweeter than amnesia." (I italicized for emphasis.)

Twenty-five (p. 90, and yes - it's an entry that's directed to those who are twenty-five-ish.)

"Now is your time. Become, believe, try. Walk closely with people you love, and with other people who believe that God is very good and life is a grand adventure. Don't spend time with people who make you feel less than you are. Don't get stuck in the past, and don't try to fast-forward yourself into a future you haven't yet earned. Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep traveling honestly along life's path."

It's real, honest, and vulnerable. She shares things that I would probably not (just because of pride/fear...) Basically, she implores us all to stop and think. Do a gut check, look around you and don't be afraid to ask yourself the hard questions (e.g. Am I proud of the life I'm living? What have I tried this month? What have I learned about God this year? Do the people I'm spending time with give me life, or make me feel small? Is there any brokenness in my life that's keeping me from moving forward? - these are all examples listed in Twenty-five.)

It's not an easy thing, don't get me wrong. But it's an encouragement. A rallying cry to take heart and have courage - God is gracious.

I'm sure I'll have more thoughts on this to come...

things are happening

2010-08-23T20:46:00.004-04:00

The above is not only true, but also a beloved quote by one Elizabeth Lemon from the show 30 Rock.

OH gosh. Life is crazy when "things are happening." Changing locations, jobs (or no jobs at all...), friend circles. Classes are starting SO soon and I'll have to readjust for that. Just when I was getting used to making 2 trips to Target a day and scheming the next project to make the apartment look more homey...BAM. Hello, reality, please enter my life.

I miss the old, the comfortable. But I also like the new and maybe not-so comfortable as well. It's an odd place.

I'm trying to remind myself that despite the changes, I cling to the hope that is in Christ Jesus. He is the reason I'm here. The reason I'm calling this new city "home" and kind of having the living daylights scared out of me on a daily basis.

It's an odd place to be waiting, with hands open - waiting to be filled.

hello, world

2010-08-03T14:28:00.002-04:00

Well, here I am. New city, sitting at a Chick-fil-A getting free Wi-Fi since our apartment is without. It's been a crazy whirlwind of packing, unpacking, stubbing toes on boxes, and eating dry cereal out of the box because I can't find a clean bowl. OH yes. It's insanity at its finest.

God is good and He is still here amidst the craziness. I have to remind myself of this. As I'm on hold with the Financial Aid office again for the 15th time, I'm reminding myself.

the solution

2010-07-27T22:22:00.006-04:00

I recently listened to an amazing Tim Keller sermon. He spoke on the story of Jacob and specifically, his quest to acquire Rachel as his wife.

This story is as familiar to me as the one about Noah and the Ark or Moses crossing the Red Sea. But, as a good pastor or sermon will do, it gave me a completely different perspective. I mean, the man (Jacob) worked seven years to marry Rachel, was deceived into marrying the wrong woman, and then worked another seven years for the "right" one. He was one. persistent. man.

Keller makes the point that Jacob was a man who was not loved or favored by his father and would never see the only person who ever did love him, his moth

er. He was pretty much alone and upon closer inspection, probably very lonely.

Then, he sees this gorgeous woman and wham-o. He has to marry her. Stat. And he's willing to work far, far longer than he actually needs to in order to marry her. All of a sudden, this old Bible story sounds more like a plot from One Tree Hill or another CW teen drama.

Jacob, my friends, was suckered into the "romantic solution." What is the romantic solution? Well, the lengthy explanation would be...well, lengthy. But in short, Jacob was looking for purpose and even more, redemption through finding "the one." Now, hold on. I've definitely seen this before. In the 3,590 chick flicks I've watched and books I've read.

He (and let's be honest, most of us) have fallen into the mindset that in finding your soul's counterpart in another, you will also be finding completion. ("You complete me." - Jerry Maguire) Pan to the gorgeous view of the sunset and then roll credits. But that's not it. In the sequel, what's going to happen?

For a more accurate account, we can all refer to Jacob's story. After marrying Rachel, it wasn't all roses...

But it got me thinking. We're all looking for the _______ Solution. It might not necessarily be romance. It could be a job. Good looks. Friends. Anything.

We're all looking for redemption. Something that will tell us: "You are worth something now."

It's a sobering thought. But let's look to Leah (the other, not as attractive sister.) She, in her own way, sought a Solution as well. Her way was through family. By having many sons, she hoped that Jacob would finally, finally love her. But he didn't.

Then, her fourth son was born. She named him Judah, meaning "praise." She realized that her desires, purpose, redemption could only be found in the Lord. And it was actually Leah (not Rachel) who became a direct ancestor of Jesus.

I'll have to ruminate on that.

full-out sprint

2010-07-23T07:43:00.003-04:00

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

-Philippians 3:12 - 14 (italicized for emphasis)

I like this image. Someone running full sprint, not turning around - just running headlong towards Christ.

It's so easy to let regret, anxiety, worry, or maybe even pride stop us. I've been known to use the I'm-just-really-tired excuse.

But no. I want to be that runner. Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. And you know, in my own strength, I may not be able to do it. But thank goodness. Jesus Christ took hold of me. I don't have to do this on my own [strength, merit, endurance].

Amen.

status

2010-07-15T14:24:00.001-04:00

Can I just say - what a stud? This is Landon Donovan at the 2010 ESPY Awards.

Ok. Über-girly/superficial moment over. (And side note: he got 3 ESPY awards, nbd. Might this have something to do with a little game against Algeria?)

Happy Thursday, friends. And t-minus one day...!

fratty bro = man's man?

2010-07-13T09:41:00.003-04:00

This is an excerpt from an interview with Mad Men's, Jon Hamm. Interesting thoughts...

Jon on being a man's man: "I was raised by a single mother. I think the definition of a man’s man has shifted in recent times to this sort of fratty bro, different from the older version, which was aloof and distant—Gary Cooper or Cary Grant or James Bond. Now it’s a little vulgar, kind of lowbrow, adolescent. I’m not that guy. Part of being an adult is treating women like women."
- W Magazine

riding off into the sunset

2010-07-12T14:05:00.006-04:00

I have four days left at my current job. FOUR DAYS.

Beginning this job two years ago, I never pictured what my exit would look like. I was just so overwhelmed with the sheer mass of information, I never thought I would understand it all. But here I am. Standing at the precipice to unemployment. (Am I being too melodramatic? Feeling the stress creep in? Welcome to my life.)

After that, packing up my life and moving. Am I ready? Wait and see...

(Side note: this was written when I thought Fall 2010 was eons away and when being 25 years old was frightening...oh, life.)

in the moment

2010-07-08T08:24:00.004-04:00

I'm reminded of a time almost 3 (wow, really?) years ago. I was freshly graduated from college. I was in a new town, starting a thing called a Fellows Program. Whenever I'm under any sort of stress, have new scenery, or even adjusting to a new schedule, I start to wake up really early and lose my appetite. (Side note: this literally happened at the start of every semester in college.)

I was awake early. We were at a retreat center somewhere in Va. I slid off my pallet and put my hair in one of those haphazard ponytails since it resembled something like a bird's nest.

Creeping into the kitchen, I poured myself a bowl of Life cereal. I took a couple bites and my stomach felt like I had already eaten a Thanksgiving dinner. Bleh. I walked outside.

There was a fire pit with logs for seats. I sat down. I looked over a nearby field. There was early morning mist settling over the grass. The sunlight reflected off the dew. It was all very poetic. Deer crept slowly, occasionally leaning down and then looking up very vigilantly. I was quiet, they were quiet.

Cows were lowing (mooing?) nearby and I laughed at the scene. That's when it hit me. Have you ever realized you were in a moment that you would remember for the rest of your life? I was sitting on a log, hands tucked in the pockets of my high school lacrosse hoodie, listening to cows, and wondering what I was doing with my life. That moment is permanently lodged in my brain. I was nervous, anxious, and my Life cereal was getting really soggy due to neglect and disinterest.

It was a peaceful moment. A moment in which I realized that my life was beginning in uncharted territory. I had brought my journal with me and jotted down a few thoughts.

conviction

2010-07-06T09:22:00.003-04:00

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

- Romans 8:38-39

These are bold, bold words. I'm re-reading the first book in the Mark of the Lion series. I read it the first time around during college. Back then, it wasn't as enjoyable. I mostly skimmed and thought it too banal for my college-educated brain (disclaimer: I'm not entirely sure if this was the real reason.) For whatever reason, I didn't enjoy it. Now, I'm reading through it slowly and trying to absorb the gravity of these words in the context of living during the Roman occupation of Jerusalem. Heavy, heavy words.

To say that there was suffering, atrocities, and horror would only scratch the surface. At that point in history, if starvation didn't kill you, Roman soldiers would without mercy. I tried to put myself in the place of character Hadassah. The things she saw, smelled, and heard are indescribably horrible. And yet, she clung - even with a tiny thread - to the fact that God was there and he was still good. Nothing can separate us from His love. Nothing.

Not only are those words bold and heavy - for them (the Christians), they were a cause for punishment by death. I may need to absorb this for a little (or a long) while.

So what does this all mean to me now as a 21st century-er? Well, my first thought is that my life would never be the same if I truly believed this and applied it. I may yell out Braveheart-style "FREEDOM!!!"

There is a freedom from fear, anxiety, and even crippling self-doubt when one is filled to capacity with love. And nothing (and I mean, nothing) can change God's love for us.

Ruminating...

when the livin' is easy

2010-07-01T16:11:00.000-04:00

What is it about Summertime that makes me...

want to see every major blockbuster that comes out in the movie theaters? And eating Sour Patch Kids during said movie is a must.

eat ice cream and/or frappuccino after every meal? (which obviously goes perfectly well with being in a bathing suit: note next bullet point...)

want to beat last year's tan even if I'm the only one who can spot the 1/500 fraction of a difference?

I also think that Summer skies are prettier. Well, that might not be entirely true. Mainly because that would require meandering outside in the Winter freezing my baguettes off.

Needless to say, I love Summer. Suffocating heat and all.

27 dresses?

2010-06-29T11:08:00.001-04:00

Brilliant idea: a party in which the attendees can wear an old bridesmaid dress (for the women, of course) and guys could wear a suit and tie (or maybe just a button-up shirt, no point in getting too-too fancy.) Personally, I'm partial to what Robert Pattinson wore to the L.A. premiere of "Eclipse." I'm just kidding...kind of.

As I glanced at those sad dresses hanging in my closet - never to see the light of day again - I was inspired. As much as it would please me to wear one to the grocery store or run errands, why not plan something more elaborate? I want to make this happen, asap. You may say I'm a dreamer. But I'm not the only one (you know it, John Lennon.)

he said, she said

2010-06-25T08:19:00.006-04:00

As I trudge through the world of King Arthur and Merlyn (via The Once and Future King), I decided to take a small hiatus with the teen fiction novel, Flipped by Wendelin Van Draanen. It's short - around 200 pages and it's a light read.

I first discovered this book because, honestly, a movie trailer. It's being adapted into a movie that will be released this Fall. It's set in the 60's, I love the music, and...it just looks precious. So obviously, I decided to buy the book and satiate my curiosity.

Each chapter alternates between the two lead characters: Julianne Baker and Bryce Loski. It opens during the Summer prior to their entering the second grade. The Loski family has just moved into the neighborhood and Juli could not be more excited to have a kid to pal around with - little does she realize that Bryce is immediately repelled by her. He thinks that she's loud, has no concept of personal space or social cues. She has a strong penchant for climbing trees, raising chickens, and being the know-it-all at school. Bryce doesn't like Juli. That's at least, his perspective.

Juli immediately falls in love with Bryce. She thinks he's cute and shy...and well, he's cute and shy. She runs after him from second through seventh grade. As they go through their eighth grade year, Bryce running away and Juli following - something changes. And since I don't want to spoil the ending or even the crux of the plot - I'll let you read it.

I really liked this story for several reasons. Yes, it is indeed teen fiction. But I found the lessons to be applicable to just about any age group. One, appearances can be deceiving. It was interesting to see the varying perspective of each person. Juli's intentions and Bryce's interpretations of those intentions were very different. I found myself being frustrated because - let's be honest - we've all had those moments in which what we did and said were not received in the way they were meant. Ahh, miscommunication. Ahh, false preconceived notions.

Also, the characters learn what it means to see others in a different or new light. Bryce had always seen Juli the same way. Mr. Loski had always seen the Baker family in the same way. What would happen if we were extracted from our rigidly formed molds and re-evaluated others and also, ourselves? What would we see?

Lastly, I'll end with this quote from the book.

"Some of us get dipped in flat, some in satin, some in gloss...." He turned to me. "But every once in a while you find someone who's iridescent, and when you do, nothing will ever compare."

This little book is very refreshing and I highly recommend.

simple and true

2010-06-21T13:19:00.002-04:00

I don't normally like cutting and pasting entire song lyrics, but here I go. It's a new song by Amy Grant featuring her daughter, Sarah. At first, the tune caught my attention and then I realized a. it's Amy freaking Grant (where has she been? and I have about 339 memories of her songs from my childhood) and b. the lyrics are so simple and yet always a good reminder. Enjoy.

Overnight

So, you've handed in your resignation, contemplating why nothing turns out right.
A little fed up with all the disappointment, so what's the point in wasting any time?

It's only temporary, so what's your hurry?
No need to worry. Don't you know that...

If it all just happened overnight, you wouldn't know how much it means.
Yeah.
If it all just happened overnight, you would never learn to believe, in what you cannot see.
Oh, what you cannot see.

I feel like my pace is at a standstill.
Do I wait till it falls into my hands?
A long highway ahead, getting started.
Steady hearted, is what I think I am.

There's something to be said, for experience.
Who knows what's ahead. Keep on going.

If it all just happened overnight, you wouldn't know how much it means.
If it all just happened overnight, you would never learn to believe, in what you cannot see.
Oh, what you cannot see.

(Take it a day, a day at a time)
One foot in front of the other,
(Take it a day, a day at a time)
No need to hurry, hurry.
(Take it a day, a day at a time)
It won't happen overnight.
It won't happen overnight.

Have a little faith,
(Have a little faith)
Must appreciate,
(Must appreciate)
Every single day,
Don't give up, no.

Have a little faith,
(Have a little faith)
Must appreciate,
(Must appreciate)
Every single day,
Don't give up, no.

If it all just happened overnight, you wouldn't know how much it means.
Yeah.
If it all just happened overnight, you would never learn to believe, in what you cannot see.

If it all just happened overnight, you wouldn't know how much it means.
Yeah.
If it all just happened overnight, you would never learn to believe, in what you cannot see.

Have a little faith,
(Have a little faith)
Must appreciate,
(Must appreciate)
Every single day,
Don't give up, no.

Have a little faith,
(Have a little faith)
Must appreciate,
(Must appreciate)
Every single day,
Don't give up, no.

sedentary truth bomb

2010-06-17T08:51:00.006-04:00

For the past almost 2 years and for the next month or so, I have a desk job. I sit for essentially 9 hours a day. If you had dropped this truth bomb on me around 10 years ago, I would not have believed you. But there it is.

When I first started working, I seriously considered getting one these. Instead, I changed my mind and decided to dedicate more time to walking and going to the gym whenever possible. (If I had bought one, it would've been incredibly awesome and entertaining for anyone who may have noticed.)

Several months ago, I realized how immobile I had become. I sit and sit and just to mix it up - I sit some more. My body...is...slowly...becoming...atrophied.

How does one combat this while limited to an office space? I found this article and thought I'd share. It's not exactly a full-body workout, but it helps keep me feeling slightly less barnacle-on-a-boat-like.

I've blogged about this topic previously and here it is if you're interested.

chilling out...

2010-06-15T09:17:00.003-04:00

Growing up, my definition of "relaxation" was pretty basic. Relaxation = not doing anything school/chore-related. It usually entailed either a. playing with Barbies, b. running outside like a hoodlum, or c. any combination or derivative of the previous a and b.

Now, as an "adult," I struggle with the concept a little more. What does it mean to relax and please, pray tell - how can I do that?

Since I've been working my 8 - 5 job, relaxation has typically meant crashing, watching 2 - 3 episodes of 30 Rock or sitting on the couch trying to decompress from my day. Now, in hindsight, I realize maybe that's not very relaxing. I may have the absence of actual work, but does the absence of work automatically equal relaxation? Ruminate on that, Socrates. Or Sherlock Holmes? Whoever is more qualified to figure out my conundrum, please let me know.

Point being, I've been trying to actively relax. It sounds a little paradoxical or contradicting, but it's been making sense to me. I have to really focus on what I want to do and how I'm feeling. Am I feeling agitated? Maybe I should take a walk or run. Do I want to feel intellectually challenged in some way? Maybe I should pick up the book that's been neglected on the shelf.

These are a just a few examples. I haven't figured it out yet, but I guess this is just a small part of figuring out what it means to be an active, healthy, somewhat sane adult.

daily dose

2010-06-14T09:02:00.001-04:00

The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying:
"I have loved you with an everlasting love;
I have drawn you with loving-kindness.

-Jeremiah 31:3

upward and onward

2010-06-09T15:38:00.001-04:00

These times, they are a-changin'. As we cycle back to Summer (arguably my favorite season ever; read here for a recap of my favorite memories from last Summer), rather than slowing down - things are going to be really speeding up.

I'm moving to a new city. I'll be packing up my things, leaving my awesome roommates, and more sadly - my walk-in closet and 2-sink bathroom, to a place that's bigger, brighter and more urban. (side note: I'm just kidding about being sadder to leave my walk-in closet...)

I'll be starting school again after a hiatus of 3 years. Yikes. Hitting the books, pulling out my hair from stress, and furthering my career development - yes to all. Am I excited? Of course. Am I scared? Absolutely. But honestly, this is one of the first times in my life in which my excitement outweighs any anxiety. I've been wanting and praying for this opportunity for months (years, maybe?) And here it is, finally.

I'm so thankful. And blessed.

P.S. Thanks, Andie, for the reminder. I've been forgetful of this blog since I've been experiencing life changes at warp speed. And thanks for reading my silly little blog.